


counting birds

by pixelpop (orphan_account)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Fear, Hope, M/M, Out of Character, Pity Sex, Possible Dubious Consent, kind of, this is stupid i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 13:15:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/900725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/pixelpop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren doesn't ever want to see what fear does to people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	counting birds

**Author's Note:**

> This is stupid. The end.

_Twenty Minutes - edIT_

Despite everything that Eren said what it really boiled down to was the fact that he was utterly terrified of everything that was happening around him.

The tall talk he displayed around everyone in training was becoming exhausting, because really he was just afraid. Mikasa attempted to act as a shield sometimes, but in the end Eren really had nothing more to do than just prepare himself for their inevitable deaths. He wanted to destroy them—those _despicable_ creatures —he wanted them extinct as they had intended for humans, but Eren had no idea how. He was afraid like everyone else.

Fear does something to people that Eren would rather not experience again, for the first time he lost his mother because of it. He thinks about it everyday, could he have saved her? If something had gone a little differently, would she be with them now?

Eren doesn’t know.

And now all he has is _this_ — training. Right now all he can do is hope for the best. Eren must pretend that the fear isn’t there anymore, that he can _do_ this, and that he isn’t edging towards someone because he feels the need to be protected.

 _No, that’s not true._ Mikasa can protect him, but this fear is driving him somewhere else, towards anyone that seems willing to help. Or maybe, not so willing to help? Is it attraction, or is he just desperate?

Eren thinks this every time he looks at Jean. 

It’s like there’s hope climbing from his chest and into his throat, and even though Jean irritates the hell out of him, Eren feels like there’s _something_. He feels safer, and it makes him sounds crazy but Eren doesn’t care. Mikasa has even made snide comments out of it at dinner, but in the end Eren just wants to be around Jean more. But why? 

Instinct?  

Eren could blame it on that. Jean is taller and bigger and in a way the primal version of Eren could be reacting in a way that wants protection. Eren can’t explain it but he wants to be closer, to interact, to _feel—_

He won’t let it go that far.

Sometimes when they’re doing hand-to-hand combat and Reiner knocks Eren down, he’ll just lie there and stare up at the sky. It’s usually too pale to really have any color because it’s early in the morning, but Eren doesn’t care. One lone bird may fly by, and that’s it. In Eren’s head, he’ll count each bird every day and back in his bunk he keeps a tally. _This is hope,_ he thinks. _Maybe someday I won’t be afraid, fight like the Recon Corp._

And through the snapshots of pain and failure, Eren sees Jean. He doesn’t seem to waver, and Eren is just a little bit jealous, because he wishes that he could act as tall as he talks.

Eren falls in line with him like a shadow, and Jean mocks him and complains about Eren nonstop, but his pride is not yet hurt. Every day Eren counts his birds, and the numbers start to diminish as the skies darken and soon Eren is reduced to a whining puppy that fears what is outside these walls.

He was never like this before, was he?

“The first time I met you I thought you were an arrogant douche,” Jean says. “I don’t know if I’m going to ever apologize for something like that, but lately you’ve become pretty pathetic Eren."

Eren looks at Jean thickly through the darkness, trying gauge what he’s really getting at, but he can’t seem to find it. Eren knows how he’s acting, and he knows that he should be trying to act brave, but how can someone act brave in a world where there is only fear?

Jean is right. He is pathetic.

“You hardly even talk to Armin and Mikasa anymore. Why is that?”

“Why do you need to know?”

Jean sighs. More people start to exit the dining hall, and Eren can’t take it anymore. It’ll probably kill him before the fear, so he takes his chance.

Eren leans forward and presses into Jean’s ear, murmuring with a shaky voice, “I want you to fuck me, Jean. Please. Just once.”

Eren thinks of his hope when Jean drags him into one of the equipment sheds and starts taking off his clothes. _What is this,_ he asks himself as Jean plants an open mouth to side of his neck. _It must be pity then, because Jean hates me._

There is hardly any time to think, and it all passes with a hazy blur. Jean presses into him, and Eren lets himself go as they move in frantic beats that rhyme with Eren’s heart. They are still half clothed at the end, and Jean presses his face to the side of Eren’s and murmurs something close to: “You’re crying.”

And Eren is, but he wipes it away and claims it’s sweat before attempting to clamor out of Jean’s grasp, but the taller has him in a locked hold. He doesn’t want this pity, and Eren wasn’t even sure Jean could feel something close to that. The only time he’s ever seen something warm in his eyes was around Marco.

It makes Eren feel cold.

“Eren.”

He shakes his head, trying to push Jean off, but he won’t _move._ He’s got him trapped, but Eren won’t look him in the eyes. He doesn’t _want_ to.

“ _Eren_.”

“ _What?_ ”

“What’s _wrong_ with you?”

Jean grasps his hair, and Eren feels the tears slick around the corners of his eyes, but it doesn’t _feel_ like he’s crying. He just feels numb now, and it was bad idea to do this, he was wrong. This doesn’t feel like protection, it feels like Jean is trying to understand him, but Eren doesn’t want that.

“What do you mean what’s wrong with me, you’re the one who agreed to this.”

Jean looks like he’s going to say something more, but then just leans forward and presses their foreheads together. “This isn’t me pitying you. You asked for this, so I complied.”

“I _know_ that, but it should’ve stopped when it ended,” Eren can feel Jean’s sweat as it mingles with his own. “Let me go now, I’m fine.”

“You’re not okay,” Jean slides forward, and now Eren’s chin is jerking straight into Jean’s shoulder. Their bodies are flat against each other, and Eren can feel the other’s heartbeat. Jean breathes in Eren’s hair, but Eren still tries to move his arms in an attempt to get away.

“Let me go, Jean.”

“No.”

“ _Why?_ ”

“I’m trying to help.”

“You’re not,” Eren feels Jean’s arm slide around to grasp his ass, and Eren jerks, elbow knocking into Jean’s ribs. Jean holds him now, and as he sits up, Eren is upright in his lap. “If you knew any better you would let me go, you fool.”     

“You’re not the Eren that started this training.”

 _My hope._ Eren thinks of his birds, and how Jean was at the beginning of training, how they _both_ were. _Is this what fear does to people?_ Eren doesn’t feel like himself, and he’s losing his will to object as Jean tries to cradle him in his grasp. _I didn’t know what I wanted. I was only a child. I am a child._

Eren rests his head on Jean’s shoulder, and they sit together for what feels like forever.

Eren counts his birds, and eventually falls asleep wondering what it would be like if that “hope” were something material.


End file.
